my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
