Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
What a dumb baby whore.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
