can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
