i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
