I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
