The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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