Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
