Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
