if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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