No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
