plz talk dirty to me
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
