Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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