I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
