if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
