Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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