What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
