Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
