i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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