Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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