Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
