I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
