just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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