I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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