I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
