Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
