Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
