I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
