my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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