I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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