I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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