Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
