dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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