Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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