I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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