I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
These tits shall not be calmed
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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