This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
it's great music for shaving your balls
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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