Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
