I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
