Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
