super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Michael Bay diarrhea
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
