did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
