I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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