you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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