He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
