Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
God gave him joint rollers for hands
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
