He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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