You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
