Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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