you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
