My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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